You are slower than a herd of turtles speeding through a patch of peanut butter....
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
No one is listening until you fart.
They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, 'Screw it - just grab a pile of crap. We'll get a bag at the airport'.
Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.