Dying in Hospice.....

Well, for those of you who don't know, currently I manage some programs for a national company in the Portland area where we care for developmentally disabled adults.

Hippa laws prevent me from disclosing personal details in a public forum here, but I can say that one of them, she's quite elderly and blind, and has the cutest curly dark blonde hair despite her age - who, whenever I say her name - despite being blind with her eyes closed - her eyebrows go up and she turns her head and slowly says "Whaaaaat?" in an up intonation trying to find out who is talking to her until she realized it was me and then would smile and ask how I am.  She always asks what I'm doing and I tell her "I'm working! It's what I do....how are you?" Softly she always replied "I'm fine...."

She has some severe psychological issues but loved to eat, wherever she went she didn't care what it was as long as she got to eat and wanted to know what it was going to be - and has a "boyfriend" that she managed to make it out to Kareoke with for the past few months thanks to the efforts to coordinate the home activities that turned out to be great fun.  She made it to the beach this year with her friend from the home to run the sand through her toes - and this past year since I've taken over has been fantastic and....last week 911 was called as she started coughing up blood and I came to see her in the hospital.  It didn't look good. 

She was finally given an assessment that this was the end and transferred to hospice today and her systems are failing and her lungs are filling with fluid.  Today while we worked on things to get her taken care of she was delerious and kept saying my name over and over again.    I didn't think I'd get so emotional.

I don't work with them personally the way the staff do as much - and all of a sudden I discover how much  I'm attached - her "boyfriend" who also lives in the home is struggling too.  One of the other men - he seems so young - he has downes syndrome - walks in and sees her and says "grandma....heaven."

And today - I am on "vacation." 

I'm on call 24/7.  My phone always needs to be on or on me.  I've got the best programs in the Portland Area and have busted my rear to up the training and standardize systems so that my staff can operate independently without management supervision so I don't often get called except when it's a required notification. The people who work under me are very capable.  But tonight....I took one last look at her.  I touched her hair - I've been pushing so incredibly hard.  The systems and developments I've put in place are going to revolutionize and standardize the care industries - I've even copyrighted the work I've done and its amazing how the company is improving.  But in the meantime.....tonight I left on my Christmas vacation and said goodbye, I think it was the last time I was going to see her alive. 

As I turned off the phone it was strange not to be attached to it - I've been so stressed my staff and the legal and hospice teams told me to go on vacation.  And yet....I feel guilty but know there's nothing I can do.  We all die.  Through my efforts to structure a company I think this last year has been the best she's had....and I'll be back to I don't know what....