Life's Wisdom....in quotes

He is the Banana to my split. ~Victoria Ericka

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. ~P. J. O’Rourke

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. ~Imelda Marcos

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. ~Emo Philips

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?


If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. ~Phyllis Diller

I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. ~Elbert Hubbard


A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge. ~Robert Brault,

Without geography, you're nowhere.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.

To err is human, but it feels divine. ~Mae West.

The Attorney for the Defense will quit referring to the Prosecutor as "Demon Spawn from Hell".

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! ~Tom Lehrer

Be wary of strong spirits. It can make you shoot at tax collectors ... and miss. ~Robert A. Heinlein

Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes. ~Frank Lloyd Wright

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. ~Mel Brooks

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. ~Saint Augustine

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. ~H. L. Mencken

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. ~Joe E. Lewis

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." ~Steven Wright

You ever look up the word dictionary in a dictionary? A little hand comes out and smacks you one.

Speak softly but drive a Sherman tank.

Men wanted for dangerous expedition: low wages for long hours of arduous labour under brutal conditions; months of continual darkness and extreme cold; great risk to life and limb from disease, accidents and other hazards; small chance of fame in case of success. ~Sir Ernest Shackleton, explorer

Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."

I'm as thirsty as a baby boy in a topless bar.

Without television I would probably be an incredibly literate scholar of 17th century mathematics who is a hit at social gatherings. ~Richard Keller

Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

More fun than a barrel of monkeys." Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky, if not downright vicious, a barrelful of monkeys would be, especially once released from the barrel? ~Tom Shales

If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. ~Jack Handey

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. 


Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. ~Lewis Mumford

To err is human, to forgive divine. Neither of which is the policy of the US Marine Corps.

May you come to the attention of the authorities. ~Ancient Chinese curse

To cure sore eyes, kiss a red-head.

Wanted: 30 Chinamen and a zeppelin for elaborate joke. Can you help?

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. ~Jack Handey

Eloquence : The ability to describe Kim Basinger without using one's hands. ~Michael Harkness

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. `Woody Allen