Despite all this, I felt like something was incomplete and that the child was to be born to us - maybe to have a second chance or sometime in the future but I didn't know how it was going to work out. Something just felt not right and even the priesthood blessing indicated that this child was to be born to us though I didn't know how.
Jen's been miserable for about a week and a half. I've struggled as well. Unable to part with a baby bassinet and the baby clothes they've been shuffled around the house for a bit now, awkwardly and yet still uncertain of what to do with them.
Last night I asked her if her uterus was cramping and she replied "You mean the tomb?" Not knowing what to say, I could only reply to it with my dry humor and say "You mean your coffin?" I got a dry "ha ha" to that. Not fun times, but we tend to be more stoic as a family after all we've endured.
At any rate, she's been cramping more lately and we had to go to the doctor to find out if there was anything left behind and whether we had to remove a dead and decomposing fetus from inside her.
Today, we went to the doctor for the ultrasound and she was cramping and did not want to go to the appointment. I couldn't just send her alone, so I went.
We finally got in and the moment of horror arrived where they actually started looking around. Kind of horrified at what I'd see, I waited with a bit of resignation.
Finally they found it, I saw its ribcage and its little body laying sideways inside her. The ultrasound technician said "Um....yah.....you got a complete baby in here......."
Jen sagged on the table. It was awful to think that entire thing was going to have to come out....arms, legs, head and everything....
The ultrasound technician wiggled the instrument around and continued "And a beating heart! You have a live baby in there!"
Jen and I tous ensemble:"WHAT?"
"Its alive!"
"Are you serious???"
"Yes!"
"No way! Wait....WHAT? It's alive?"
"Yes! With a healthy heartbeat! 158 beats per minute! Going strong!"
Jen began to sob uncontrollably and was completely overwhelmed. I was in shock and had to look at the screen again and again and again. There was our baby, looking at us, and I could see the heart beating on the screen.
The technician put the heartbeat on the monitor so we could hear it, there it was so strong again and still. A lot less space than before it looked like but there it was.
Wait....WHAT???
Jen was still losing it but in a good way.
Texts went out to friends and family who were stunned as we were.
Okay, so my child's been dead nearly two weeks, and today I find out that it's still alive.......I didn't know what to think or what to feel - so much all at once!
I know I want the child and am absolutely stoked, but I feel like I'm on my fourth child because I already lost my third and this is a new one! I still know what it's like to lose a child....so surreal. And now....I have my child "back."
The news spread fast and my sister in law accidentally spilled the beans to our kids before we got home but they were excited. Probably the only bummer out of this was that we didn't get to tell them ourselves.
But Matthew's going to be an even bigger brother and Rachel will finally be a bigger sister. Out of it all? I know I want this child. I know what I'm capable of as a father and that I can do this in our circumstance. I came to value my children even more and became way more tolerant of their "little kid-ness" and essentially I feel like I was given a chance that we just don't ever get in life. Not one I've heard of anyways. Ever.
I am reminded of the sacrifice of Abraham with his son Isaac and can only say that I'm grateful to know I can pass through something like this and not turn away from God, though it wasn't fun, the reality? Hasn't quite set in yet.
God truly does have His hand on me. I've seen too many miracles to doubt His presence or His love.
But as for today? The single most miraculous and surreal day of my life. Ever.
Now....I guess I need to go finish that baby bassinet that I saved. I can still look forward to the baby clothes being tried out for Christmas. What a day.
Thank you all for your prayers and love. I have no doubt that you had a part in this wonderful miracle of miracles.
Thank you all, and God bless.
Thank you again, and God bless you again and again.